as usual I haven’t been on here in a while

but this week finally landed me back here

I really wanted to look great for bamboozle so I started off on monday (after easter) with endless diet cokes and energy drinks and occasionally a coffee, after tuesday though the stress set in and I drank more diet coke than I should have (it helps me calm down) 

Eventually I got so shaky that I had to leave the library and eat something, and I ended up eating what I thought was too  much

I freak myself out more and more lately, I won’t want to eat for days but I might eat a little something anyways, or if I get really upset I won’t eat at all but this past week I started purging a little bit, it’s strange to even write down. 

No I didn’t throw up until blood came up, I personally feel like I did nothing at all but last night in the shower I did it more than I ever have before and what freaked me out the most was that while I was doing it, I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong, everything felt right, I had a rush, my heart was beating fast I wasn’t in any pain at all. It’s been bugging me and its been on my mind all day and I hate that I have no one to really talk to about it

all of this stress is really bringing me down, I can’t wait for it to be tomorrow so I can go to jersey with my best friend and forget about all of this nonsense (:

I hope everyone else is doing well xo

it’s a binge even if its really just me consuming the normal amount of calories for a day

one of the reasons I hate being a nutrition major is that it makes it so easy to reason with myself, which is retarded because if I just stopped eating I would be happy fuck my conscience and myy nutrition knowledge

If I keep this up I’m gonna swallow a whole bottle of slim quick until I never want to eat again 

I need to slow down and THINK sometimes